Elegance

   I Wrote this post about 2 weeks ago.  I think I wrote it to help myself organize my feelings only, and wasnt really intending on posting it.  I only came back to it today when I was looking at some home decor pages in style at home mag, and came across something that was reminded me of my own home where I grew up.


  Home.  So many wonderful, enriching memories.  Eating breakfast with my grandmother at the table, while she sipped her morning tea and drank her glass of o.j.  Waiting for my Bestest friend in the whole world to call and ask me if I wanted to come over to play. ( She lived pretty much in the backyard).  Coming home from an afternoon at Katie's and walking through the door to the aroma's of my grandmother's cooking.  Watching a late night movie together when bed time was suppose to be at 10.  The 1 and only time I ever beat my grandmother at cribbage, now THAT was a victory worth celebrating!
   I had moved out of my grandparents house when I was 22 to move to Calgary, to begin a new chapter in life as so many young people do.
  The last time I was home was 4 years ago.  When my Meme was diagnosed with ALS, I didnt understand the visciousness (sp) of the disease to its entirety.  I eventually stopped calling her when it was too painful to hear how strained her speech became.  My mother would keep me updated with vague details about her health and what she could still do.
  My emotions were in turmoil.  I had wanted to go home and visit many times.  But with a new baby I told myself that it would be too much to handle for me, and would be too overwhelming for Meme which would just make her condition worse. It was better if I didnt go.
  I ended up making the decision to go home in march when my mom informed me that they had to take Meme to the hospital due to breathing difficulties.  Her diaphgram muscles were weakening.  I had to see her.  To tell her I loved her and that I was sorry for not being there.
  My mom told me "carla, she's not doing very well dear" I pushed my dates to the soonest flight I could find which was on a Tuesday Feb 15.  It was Sunday February 13.  I was to leave at 7 in the morning and arrive at 6:45 pm local time.  I was a nervous wreck.  I cried alot.  I would sit in the bathroom and cry after the baby was in bed.  I cried while I washed dishes.  I cried when I would remember something funny that my grandmother and I had done.  I cried when I thought of her disease and what it had done to her and our family.
   Monday morning, valentines day, My grandmother passed away. I cried.  I cried really hard, the out loud sobbing kind of cry for about 10 minutes while Brea sat on the floor staring at me.
  It took two days for me to get home, due to some weather complications.
  I'm glad I cried alot before I got home.  I didnt really feel the need to cry afterward.
 I'll never forget the night my Pepe suffered his heart attack.  It was their anniversary, and My Pepe & Meme and I had just finished dinner at the local chinese buffet restaurant. I was 14.  At the hospital I cried as I was frightened by the thought of losing my Pepe and leaving my Meme and I on our own.  I remember resting my head on her shoulder as she enveloped me in her arms, I asked her "why aren't you crying?" and she said "crying wont do me any good" and cry she didnt. I didnt see my Meme cry, even when we left the hospital after he was in stable condition.  My meme and I slept in her bed that night, she asked me to,  as much as I knew she wanted to cry, she never did.  I often think about this when the tears start to come.  I think about the courageous strong woman she was, and the battle that she fought for 2 years to the disease that took away her independence.
   I was in survival mode after the plane trip that I plunged into the role of busy body. I stayed with my pepe for 2 weeks after the funeral.  We cooked and cleaned ( okay I TRIED to cook) and played with the baby.  Watched T.V. ate oysters, and had lengthy conversations about what it was like caring for Meme, and when Pepe was younger and was an air force officer.  He told me about their lives and all their travels.  The funny things their children (my aunts and uncle) would do.  I had heard a few stories here and there growing up, but my Pepe revealed a little more as to what life was like back then.  we went through our ancestry and where we originated from.  he showed me pages of our generations, and a picture of my great-great grandfather with my great grandfather: Pacifique and Benjamin senior. (pronounced pa.si.vic)  I LOVE the name Pacifique, and am thinking if we ever have a little boy Benjamin Pacifique will be at the top of the name list. 
  It. Felt. Empty. In the house without Meme inside, cooking up one her meals. Or sitting on the couch with her latest quilt.  I found some of her notebooks and pages of the conversations she would write with people who came by to visit. I was angry that I didnt have my own conversation with her to keep. I would read them at night before I fell asleep.  God I miss her.  I rifled through photo albums, and with each picture of her, my eyes would blur as I remembered the day it was taken and what we were doing and which aunty was visiting at the time. I opened the closet door in my old room and all her clothes were hung in there. I opened my arms, grabbed them and brought them to my face and inhaled deeply. I was desperately hoping to catch a whiff of the familiar smells that clung to her.  Spaghetti sauce was always my favorite!  I didnt.  It had obviously been too long since Meme had been able to cook anything.  All I could smell was staleness.  Not only was it empty in the house, It was empty in body.  My senses ached to be able to see, smell, and hear her. I was sad that she didnt get the chance to meet my daughter Brea Rose..  I was sad that Brea didnt get a chance to meet her..
   I ended up making a small quilt for Brea using Meme's scraps of old clothes and fabric.  I used the lace trim on her pillowcases that were worn out, as the border around the quilt.  At least she will always have a little piece of Meme with her. And I will be able to tell her all about her great grandmother when she gets older.  My Aunty let me keep My Meme's charm bracelet as it was something I always remembered playing with as a little girl.
 Before I left, my Pepe called me into her bedroom and told me to pick something out of her jewellery to keep as a momento.  I chose a little silver cross necklace.  I know she never wore it as silver bothered her skin.  But as I was searching through her jewellery I realized that Meme is not her posessions.  I would never be able to forget her whether I had something of hers or not.  It made me feel a little better that I didnt have to fear the thought of forgetting Meme.
  We have all lost or will lose someone significant in our lives.  I know its important to keep moving forward. Some days are better than others.  I never saw my grandmother while she was sick. I didnt know the woman, who's body was taken over by an illness that showed no mercy.  I wasnt there to hold her hand and tell her I loved her.  I can only be thankful for the loving family my grandmother had raised.  I'm thankful for Brea as she is the ultimate distraction.  I'm thankful for the memories that are stored away in the files of my mind.   I'm thankful for having known this beautiful lady, who was the definition of elegance.


*  We have since listed our house back on the market in hopes of selling, and now without any minor home fix ups to do I'm trying to throw myself into cooking and baking, since I took home with me a dozen old recipes of my favorite things my grandmother use to make......  Thank god I don't bake for a living lol!

Closet Cleanout

    Oh yes.  The Dreaded Closet.  For those of you who do not know anything about me and what my occupation was before I became a mom,  I was a visual merchandiser for a clothing company.  Basically I made sure that everything was neatly folded, hung and steamed and ensured strategic placement of each article of clothing as per business needs.  So WHY, you may ask, am I afraid of cleaning my own little closet space, compared to a huge store?
    Wwwwwellllll.  Our closet is not only a closet but a laundry room + nursery + storage room.  In my closet there is MY wardrobe PLUS my common-law hubby's wardrobe!!!  And 1 washing machine, and 1 dryer.  And a crib...... and a rocking chair, plus foot stool. There are suitcases and towels, bedding, and shoes.  There's an ironing board and step ladder, toys and documents.......  *sigh*
    So far in all my 3 posts I have mentioned the closet.  I think it is this part of the condo that bothers me the most, simply because it's not being used to it's full potential.  OH the things I could do  if I had the whole space to work with.  ( I get goosebumps just thinking about it).  It would be the dressing rooms of all dressing rooms complete with a hanging chandelier,  And backlit shelving to showcase all my shoes........  However there are too many other things that need a home right now so it will have to share its space.
    I'm posting a picture of what it looked like before I started cleaning and I just want to clarify that I do indeed clean out the closet quite often, and yet in 1 or 2 days it looks like this again. Why?

Half the time I think it's because we are always in so much of a rush during the day.  What with having to stick to the baby's schedule as closely as possible, if we need to go out it's a big scramble to get the three of us ready before her nap so that she can sleep in the car.  This will usually result in strewn clothes, spilled makeup, and wet towels on the floor.  Other times I think it's just pure laziness after a tiring day.
   I wanted to come up with a solution that would be easy to maintain. Something that would lighten the "jammed out to there" hanging bar. And a tool I could use to keep all my shoes with me instead of banning half of them to the storage cage down in the parking garage.  (Because you never know when you will need those bright fushia pink stilettos in the middle of winter)!
   Where did I find these things?  The dollar store!  God I love the dollar store!  Is that weird?  I can literally find everything I need at the dollar store.  and the great thing about it?  Everything is a DOLLAR (well a 1.25 with tax).
     I really wanted to switch out our old tired white plastic hangers for wooden ones.  Just to give it a more unified high end look.  I was being stupid really.  One wooden hanger would equal 3 white plastic ones that we were already using.  And I was trying to save space not diminsh it.  My dream was crushed when I realized that I would be stuck with these god awful bent, white plastic hangers.  And then I saw them.  Staring down at me from the storage section at the dollar giant.  Chrome finished sleek clothing hangers.  I'm not talking about a coat hanger that you can untwist at the top so you can unclog the hairball out of your bathtub drain.  I'm talking sleek, modern, chrome finshed, steel hangers that make a lovely windchime-like *ping* when they clink together....... AHEM....  2 of these hangers were equivalent to 1 plastic hanger.  My heart skipped a beat.  I bought 60 hangers for a mere 20 $  (they were 3 for a dollar)  and created precious space in our closet.  I went about the same way I did our pantry.  Banishing things I hadnt worn or didnt fit.  (Okay so I actually didnt throw any of my things away, but Simon ended up donating a full garbage bag)!  I designated spots for folding. Compacted the suitcases together.  And yes I am using one of those dang over - the -door shoe caddys!  I also decided to use the space under the crib as storage  I simply placed a flat bed sheet under the mattress and down over the side to hide what was underneath.  With  the space I saved by doing these simple things, I was able to get rid of the change table that was in our bedroom.  I think I accomplished what I set out to do.  Here is what it looks like now.  It's not my dream closet, but it's a little less chaotic.  Who knows maybe the baby will sleep even better!  *Tip* When re-organinzing your closet keep your like colors together.  Whites with whites pinks with pinks and so on and hang them lightest to darkest.  not only is it more pleasing to the eye,  it's easier to find the item you are looking for when things are color coded.

Is your home overweight?

  My significant other and I are preparing to put our condo back on the market in hopes of being able to purchase a bigger house and get our daughter out of the closet!

  So I decided to have a plan of action to ensure that this time around we are successful in selling.
I began to prepare a list of To Do's, including the ever popular decluttering tactic.  Instead of diving right in (which is something I normally do)  I searched online for some really great and unique decluttering steps, and storage solutions for small spaces.......  I'm not sure that these people who write the articles quite get the concept of "small spaces" since when showing photos of storage solutions for "small spaces" they show sprawling bathrooms with beautiful cabinets and dressers that will allow you to "house all your pretty toiletries",  and grand living rooms with built in bookcases for all your "extra knick knacks"!  Or how about those ginormous walk in closets equipped with a lovely window suggesting that you add an over the door shoe caddy to house all your shoes........ Ummmm ookkaaaaayyy!

   So in the real world how many of us need tips for REAL small spaces? Let me be the first to raise my hand.  Our 1 main bathroom doesnt even have enough space for you to change your mind let alone to add a "beautiful built in storage bench".  So  After some disappointing  and unhelpful suggestions I decided to do what I do best.......  Dive in head first.



before

    I tried to think of our condo as overweight (which is how one editor from style at home put it), and I was going to be the personal trainor who would guide and push it to shed those last 15 pounds.  I was going to be ruthless.


after

    Where do I start?  Why the kitchen of course.  Our pantry had become a space where I was even afraid to open the door in fear that an avalanche of cereal boxes and brooms and mops would suffocate me. I cleared everything out.  EVERYTHING.  Until it was bare.  I threw away 5 big plastic bags that were just stuffed up on the top shelf.  I threw away empty boxes of pasta.  I transferred big bulky boxes of crackers and cookies into more compact jars that could stack nicely on top of one another.  I banished anything that hadnt been used in the last 3 months to the trash can.  I consolidated the three large cooler bags that were just taking up space all together one inside the other. Then I set about organizing the shelves into their designated zones,  Box shelf, can shelf, jar shelf.  I left the very top shelf for cleaning things like paper towel and sponges and dish cloths, and the very bottom space for tools and the mop bucket.  I know it doesnt sound like much but it actually took me a whole hour to clean up a space the size of a walnut.  But the result was...... like a breath of fresh air and was the encouragment I needed to keep going.  5 pounds lost!  Next on the list, the closet!!  Yikes......

And A New Adventure Awaits...

       What ever posessed me to begin a blog?  I can't really be sure.  Maybe it was all the repetitive days of following schedules and routines for my now 8 month old daughter, (who is the love of my life) that was beginning to turn my brain to mush.  Maybe it was the overload of jumbled thoughts and ideas jumping around in my noggin.  Or maybe it was because I just finished watching The Social Network and thought perhaps there is some sort of rare opportunity here, that I should grasp.  Maybe MY Blog will be the next BIG thing!!   HA!! Fat Chance!
        However I did know what it is that I wanted my blog to be about.  Since having my daughter last May,  I've seem to have made quite a few new friends.  Steven and Chris for starters,  Nate berkus,  David Bromstad.  Just to name a few.  I had become quite involved in DIY projects that it was starting to become a bit of an obsessive compulsive behavior.  I swear, every time hubby would come home from work he would be stepping in to a totally new, redesigned space! (Poor guy).  He never knew what to expect when he walked through the door.  Whether  it be our massive walk in closet that is now housing our beautiful daughter, or using the space under the stairs for his new "office".  Oh maybe I should mention to you that we currently live in a 1 bedroom LOFT apartment in the heart of Calgary.
         Now for those of you who are not familiar with the term LOFT, let me explain.   It is a wonderfully, beautifully, architectually interesting space to live in........ When you are the ONLY one occupying the space!  However throw in another adult,  an 8 month old baby, a couple grandparents every now and then, AND a chihuahua!! Well you have yourself a nice little sardine can you can call home!!  There are no "rooms" just "spaces".Everything is open concept, so if you want some privacy, just lock yourself in the bathroom for an hour or two with a glass of red wine and your laptop, and then you have your own little oasis!  Dont get me wrong.  I'm not really complaining.  It could be much worse.  At least it has challenged me to come up with some pretty good ideas for storage and has tested my capability of being a true diy designer.
         So until we have sold our little nest, and move to a more accomodating abode,  I guess I will just have to suck it up and make it as enjoyable as possible.  And along the way I will be posting the oodles and oodles of budget friendly DIY and redesign projects, just in case you have an itching to do some yourself and need ideas, or if like me, you need something else to do besides pureeing baby-food, and making babbling sounds for 8 hours a day.